Just Label It (All)!


YOU GUYS. Did you know that 100% raw sugar is gluten free? And so are cheese, apples, and corn chips?! But you know what contains “wheat proteins?” My Aveeno conditioner. But which wheat proteins?! And what if there are allergens other than gluten in any of the aforementioned things? The public has a right to know! I mean, what if they’re allergic?

I think the “Just Label It” campaign pushing for GMOs to be labeled has got the right idea. Not because we want to take a moral stance against the companies doing the modifying by boycotting their products in the hopes that they stop their shitty IP lawsuits and other shady practices. And not because we’re worried about the long-term biodiversity of our food sources. But because we as consumers deserve to know every potential allergen in our foods and beauty products. I propose that, in addition to gluten, EVERY protein in every product that goes in or on humans or pets be labeled.

Think about it: What if that thing in strawberries that you’re allergic to is used somewhere else? What if it’s not gluten that you’re allergic to, but some other wheat protein? Or more than one protein in wheat! Worst of all, what if certain proteins turn out to cause or exacerbate developmental disorders but we don’t know the sum total of everything they’re in and we end up exposing our children? (Bad things in the air like cigarette smoke, the byproducts of fossil fuels and coal plants, etc., just can’t be controlled… but we can get on top of this whole food situation!) Consumers can’t be sure that anything they ingest or put on their skin is safe if they don’t know exactly what’s in it. Even growing everything you consume doesn’t solve the problem. It seems to me the only logical options are to label every food and beauty product or convert to breatharianism.

What’s that you say? The list of proteins in a simple tomato would cost many times more to print than a tomato costs? We’ll put the information on microdots! Oh, there’s enough information that we wouldn’t be able to fit all the proteins in most products onto microdots? Then they’ll have to be printed on not-so-micro-microdots! If this is what it takes, I’ll personally make sure that macro-microdot printers and readers become commercially available and ubiquitous. After all, the PTA bake sale clearly needs to adhere to these rules, too.

Oh, wait, we don’t actually know most of what’s in food? Then let’s start a WhiteHouse.gov petition to redirect all DoD spending into research and genome sequencing! After all, we have to worry about the enemies within if we are to stand strong against foreign threats.

So, who wants to preorder a macro-microdot reader? 😀

To be clear, I am not mocking people with legitimate food allergies here. But I am mocking anyone who wants all of their food labeled, beyond the ingredients and nutrition information, with individual proteins, especially if those proteins aren’t in it. People with serious allergies know what to look for because they’ve spent their whole damn lives doing it and the rest of you need to calm the **** down.


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