What if I’ve lost my mind?

As you’ll know if you read my last post, Jumpers, my mom was diagnosed with stage IV lung cancer this month. This morning, I got the results of my colposcopy/cervical biopsy and found out I have Stage 0 cervical cancer/pre-invasive cervical cancer/CIN 3/HSIL. Because who doesn’t love a mother-daughter cancer bonding experience? (There is, of course, no comparison in treatment or prognosis; I’ll have an outpatient LEEP procedure and that’ll likely be the end of it.)

A friend and I have a commitment to teach an After School Matters course this summer for four hours a day, four days a week, for six weeks beginning June 23. There’s also a lot of prep leading up to it. She has some family health stuff going on right now, too, so I wanted to email our Program Specialist about it all so she’d understand why we’re likely to be behind on things and the importance of having a qualified sub lined up. As I was writing the email, I realized I sounded like a pathological liar. I sounded like that girl in my sixth grade class whose brother was shot or stabbed every other week and who colored bruises on her arms because she hated gym and thought getting the gym teacher fired would help. (I went to a mostly upper-middle class, private school in a bougie part of the state that I know from firsthand experience only offered mediocre financial aid, so… yeah.)

This many bad things can’t happen at once, can they? No one will believe me!

I sent the email anyway, but it seriously sounded like a bad soap opera script. I’m so confused about what to feel at any given moment right now anyway, I would only be half surprised if someone told me I’ve been in a coma for a month or had a break with reality and made all this up. (I have no personal or family history of mental illness, but all this is enough to make a gal feel like she’s gone off the deep end.)

So yeah, totally random post because I thought maybe seeing it in writing would make me feel more sane. (It did, a little.) What about you, Jumpers? Have things ever been so good, bad, or random that you thought you’d lost your marbles?


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